In 2009, dating website OkCupid conducted an experiment where it analyzed over 500,000 first contacts made on their platform. The analysis focused on keywords and phrases, how they affected reply rates, and what trends were statistically significant. In a blog post, they published the result: a set of rules for what users should and shouldn’t say when introducing themselves. That blog post has since been deleted, but Wingman has recovered its findings.
Rule 1: Be literate
Netspeak, bad grammar, and poor spelling are huge turn-offs. OkCupid’s negative correlation list reads like a fool’s lexicon: ur, u, wat, wont, and so on. These all make a terrible first impression. In fact, the worst six words users can use in a first message are all slang.
Language like this is such a strong deal-breaker that correctly written but otherwise ordinary words like don’t and won’t have nicely above-average response rates (36% and 37%, respectively).
There are exceptions to the “no netspeak” rule, however. Expressions of amusement like haha (45% reply rate) and lol (41%) performed well. This makes sense, as people enjoy a sense of humor, and casual language conveys genuine laughter. Even hehe had some success (33%), though it sounds a little more mischievous.
In short, it’s okay to laugh, but keep the rest of your message grammatical and punctuated.
Rule 2: Avoid physical compliments
Though this advice holds true for both sexes, it's mostly directed at men, who are far more likely to comment on looks. While words like gorgeous, beautiful, and sexy may seem like compliments, no one really wants to hear them from a stranger.
Compliments about physical appearance often feel insincere when used as pick-up lines before meeting in person. Besides, when a man tells a woman she’s beautiful, the chances are he’s not.
General compliments, however, seem to work well:
The word pretty is a good example. While it can be a physical compliment, it also functions as an adverb, as in, “I’m pretty good at sports.” As an adverb, it does very well. But as pretty shifts toward being a physical compliment, reply rates decline sharply. Phrases like you’re pretty or very pretty clearly reference appearance, and it shows in the response rates.
Rule 3: Use an unusual greeting
OkCupid examined salutations closely, as the way users open a message is the “first impression of the first impression.” Surprisingly, the top three most popular ways to say “hello” were actually bad openings.
Even slangy greetings like holla and yo performed better, bucking the general “be literate” rule. In fact, skipping the traditional salutation altogether (which earned a reply rate of 27%) and diving straight into the message was more effective than starting with hi. Perhaps the common greetings are so overused that people simply stop reading when they see them.
The more informal how’s it going, what’s up, and howdy did significantly better. It seems that people prefer the casual tone they set, even if You had me at ‘what’s up’ doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.
Rule 4: Bring up specific interests
Words like zombie, band, tattoo, literature, studying, vegetarian, and metal all performed well because they reference something important to either the sender, the recipient, or ideally, both. Talking about specific interests or hobbies is a great way to connect, and OkCupid’s data proves that it works. Every niche word they analyzed had a positive effect on messaging success.
Even better are phrases that engage with the recipient’s own interests or show that the sender has read their profile.
Rule 5: If you’re a guy, be self-effacing
Words like awkward, sorry, apologize, kinda, and probably all helped men’s messages succeed, though these words didn’t have the same effect in messages from women. As previously mentioned, pretty also works well for men, likely due to its adverbial use.
While traditional dating advice often tells men to be confident, a little humility seems to work better online. Appearing unsure can make the writer seem more vulnerable and less threatening, which may resonate with women. However, men should avoid appearing too desperate—please is on the negative list (22% reply rate), even worse than its netspeak equivalent pls (23%).
Editor’s note: This is gay and Wingman does not endorse this strategy.
Rule 6: Consider becoming an atheist
Mentioning religion in a message can boost reply rates, but paradoxically, claiming no religion seems to have the strongest effect. While this might not sit well with everyone, OkCupid’s data shows that being non-religious tends to increase responses.
Atheist appeared frequently in the messages analyzed—342 times per 10,000 messages—coming in second only to Christian (552 mentions) and ahead of Jewish (278 mentions) and Muslim (142 mentions). Although few users actually invoked the name of Zeus (56% reply rate), those who did certainly stood out. On a platform named for a figure from Classical mythology, it seems embracing the divine can also work—though OkCupid's data suggests that disbelieving altogether might be better for one’s love life. After all, if there really was a God, wouldn’t all first messages get a reply?
This is part of a series of blog posts that analyzes OkCupid's online-dating statistics. You can find the others here: