A lot of us have had the experience where we are out approaching girls, and we feel pretty low or even bad, but somehow the girls line up and the interactions work out really well. Or conversely, we feel fine and good, but girls are closing off to us and won't open up. What gives? Well, this is often because of something called 'state.'
In my experience and observations, there is basically an internal and external state, which ideally are in sync. But when the external state is very different from the internal state, it is essentially a 'fake state.' Depending on the course of our lives, the constellation of current events we are going through, and habits in general, we can be in a 'fake state' for periods of days or more. Some unfortunate souls, I believe, become so habituated to fake states that they start to lose sense of who they really are, and live in them, unfulfilled and unable to express themselves properly, for years.
A fake state is really what happens when you apply a veneer on top of the reality of your internal world. Sometimes it's very practically useful to do this—especially in professional life and regular social life, where people more or less rely on us to maintain positivity, confidence, and some appearance of enthusiasm.
As long as the difference between our real state and the fake state is not too great, and the times and contexts in which we wear them are regular and habitual, it doesn't require too much effort to put them on as needed, and the tension between them remains at manageable levels.
There is a problem, however, when we approach an attractive girl. Not only are girls very sensitive to the reality of men's psychological inner worlds, typically much more so than we are ourselves, but the approach itself brings a huge dollop of anxiety of its own, which, combined with the tension that already exists, brings our internal tension to levels that are difficult to manage. Often in this case, a man might either become very anxious, or his normal effusive, expressive energy becomes deadened as he clamps down on all his emotions simultaneously, both of which signal to the girl in no uncertain terms that this guy isn't ready to handle what he's trying to bring about. And so her defenses go up, and things go nowhere.
Creating a real, continuous, positive internal state is a broad topic that I don't want to cover here. In general, I find meditation, introspection, and conscious future projection/planning to be the best starting point for maintaining a healthy state of mind.
What I want to share is something—a test of sorts—that might help you gauge your current state more clearly, so you can be more aware when your internal and external states are not in sync. Sometimes, especially when you've gone through a bit of a low and spent a few days (or longer) artificially propping up your state, you can lose sense of where it is really at.
I've found this test to be most useful before making the first few approaches. Being aware when there is a bit of a 'fake state' going on helps you prepare mentally and go, "Oh, okay, maybe I'm not in the best state of mind, let's just start up slowly, maybe focus on socializing and small talk and just enjoying things, and hopefully things smooth out as I go along."
Because at least for me, if my first few daygame approaches have unexpectedly negative results, it tends to be more difficult to unstick my emotions from that. Sometimes this galvanizes me into a much more focused and clear-headed frame of mind, and things improve—but it's best in the long term not to have to go through an unstable transition like that. Approaching is not supposed to be some kind of emotional Russian roulette.
This test I call the Steadiness Check.
When you have a few moments at home, try this:
Sit down or stand somewhere in a comfortable position. Relax your body, breathe regularly, look straight ahead, and stay still. Doesn't have to be perfect, just thereabouts.
While you remain completely still and relaxed, chin up and looking straight ahead at nothing in particular, observe your internal state. Does it accelerate with increased tension? Does it grind to a halt? Or does it continue chugging along steadily, effusing out of you in a steady stream out through your face and body into the world?
It doesn't matter if it started off very cheerful, not very cheerful, or low, the question is: Does it go up, down, or continue steady?
Typically, at home and without much going on, you will be in a fairly steady state, regardless of whether that state is positive or not. If it's not steady, it's a sign, in my opinion, that your baseline state is fairly anxious, and this should probably be improved before going and approaching girls.
Hopefully it's pretty steady. Now, keep the experience you just had in mind—you can repeat it any number of times.
Next time you go out, especially if you're about to do some approaches, go to a place where there are plenty of people around, such as a mall or a park, somewhere where you might normally make a few approaches. Either stand or sit down somewhere. Simply do the same thing—relax your body, chin up, eyes straight ahead, and keep still and don't move your body. Now move your eyes to people and observe them. Look at some hot girls walking past in the distance. How does your state react?
What I have found is that when I am in a stable state (i.e., where the internal/external state match)—regardless of whether my emotions are high or low—I am typically slightly more activated than normal, but my state is steady.
But when there is a mismatch between my internal and external state, tension will usually grow until it is very difficult not to react and start moving my body to release some of it. Trying to keep still and steady, while facing something that provokes a slight feeling of anxiety/activation (like the possibility of approaching an attractive girl)—even though in this case I am not actually approaching—becomes very difficult to do.
This is something I have sometimes found to happen even when I thought I was feeling great and calm. And when it happens, my first approaches are typically not great, and it takes longer to shake all the tension out and get in my groove.
But when my state was steady during the test, often things will go very well even in the first couple of approaches—my self-expression will come out like a release, I might start getting IOIs right away, and I will feel much more satisfied, calm, and at ease with myself.
The way I think about this test is as follows:
When we have a substantial amount of negative emotion in response to things going on in our lives, and we want to avoid that emotion, we often bury it. And we can bury it because we don't have to face it—we don't have to look at it or turn our faces toward it. We push it out of sight and mind, and pretend it doesn't exist, and look at something else instead. We put on a socially acceptable positive mask and soldier on with our lives.
But when we make an approach, or even look at a pretty girl while experiencing our own desire, we can no longer avoid facing an emotionally provocative event. The anxiety it produces weakens the force with which we hold down our negative emotions, and it wells up and threatens to break through into our external state. And women can see this in our faces when we try to smile but cannot smile with our eyes, or when we try to open our body, but our limbs and joints are stiff like cardboard, as we simultaneously try to hold in and hand out. There is nothing that signals more clearly to a woman 'move along' than the trembling dissonance between the internal state of an unhappy, unsatisfied man and his efforts to appear pleasing to her.
Even when the difference is slight, she will feel it like a fleeting breath of winter wind on a summer day, and she will not forget it. Eventually, she will take leave of the interaction for good.
But even when you're sad, or angry, or melancholy, or in any other emotional state, if you remain calm and don't try to conceal it with a 'fake state,' and you are unafraid of how it might show to everyone around you—she might look at you apprehensively at first, but her wide eyes will linger, and she will look long and with satisfaction at the way your emotions and your nature express freely through your face and body, uninhibited, unforced, and steady, like a smoldering glow of charcoal beneath a pile of ashes.
Approaching regularly is much easier when we remain consistently in a 'present' state, where there is no significant difference between our internal and external states, and it is generally positive. There are many ways to work on that—again, meditation, introspection, and clearly planning out a satisfying day-to-day life for ourselves are what I've found to be the main ones.
But it's also good to know when things might be out of balance, so we can be aware and less reactive to its negative effects, and more lenient on ourselves as we warm up socially—focusing on relaxing, enjoying ourselves, becoming present, socializing and talking to the people around us, and not rushing into a series of approaches we aren't quite ready for. In doing so, we eventually move past the obstacle, ending up with better results and having more fun exploring this wonderful world full of women.